Words.

I've been reading a lot lately. Novels, biographies, autobiographies. Some were for school but a few just for the fun of it. I haven't been out to the plaza much and I've really kept to myself. I'm going through that yearly thing where I stick to myself trying to re-invent who I am. I really think I've lost it this time though. Its a weird frame of mind to be in. Wondering why people don't view the world like you do. I see everything in literary talk, I call it. I see the art and beauty in every word and motion, while most people my age are concentrated on the next bar to hit or the next adrenalin rush. I just want to be. I want to watch, digest, and write what I see, peoples reactions to life as I'm living it, taking in one scene at a time.
But then again, I've already noted that life doesn't have "scenes," its more just chapters.

I've had so many chapters.
There was the High School chapter.
The one where I began my addiction to attention. There were silly crushes and rumors, proms and parties.

There was my Home Life chapter.
The one where I tried to rush growing up. The one that speaks of engagement rings, wedding dresses, and children. There were parades, picnics, house hunting and home cooked meals.

Then there was my Rebellion chapter.
This was the one where I tripped. I freaked out. The wedding planning was too much the dress in my closet was a constant reminder about how I was marrying a life style I wanted not a person I really wanted. This was the chapter where I became someone I NEVER want to know again. The person that lied, cheated, and talked her way into and out of anything and everything, a person with no responsibility. There were parties, sketchness is really the only way to put it. I was incredibly scetchy.

Now there is the chapter I like to call the "Reconstruction era" -yeah, like the civil war. I'm stuck somewhere between this chapter and the next.
I've realized my actions have consequences and I'm trying to shape up. I did some pretty immature things. I regret most of the things I did during the Rebellion chapter. I was so immature. People said I would regret it, but you never actually take peoples advice until you do it... I feel the need to prove to everyone that I am who I say I am and I'm not doing a good job.

I'm so emotional these days. I think that's the problem. I shut out emotions for so long so that I could live anyway I wanted without feeling the Holy Spirit convicting me. Now that I've let the convictions in, I've ushered in a whole new era of emotion based craziness that I don't know how to handle.

The next will be Responsibility chapter.
This will be the one where I graduate from Georgia Southern University, continue on to get my masters and do what I've planned. I'll do what I've always dreamed of and move on from my past.

I was talking to a friend over dinner last night and he said to me something about how he lives for tomorrow. I said I want to live for today, but thats not really true either. I really live in the past. I live to make mends and prove to everyone that I am not who I was then. I live now, in this day, for yesterday.

And that is my problem. I live for the past instead of letting it go and living for what I want in the future. Maybe I'm screwing myself over by living like this making it impossible for me to ever get what I want in the future?! I'm having a small epiphany here.

I need to live for the future. What I need to do is pop a pill shut up and chill out, but what I want to do is write it all out.

I cant tell anymore.

I'm different. I feel different. Well, I feel like I''m feeling different.
Who am I?

I'm Beth Webb.
I'm 24 days from being 21 years old.
I'm 5 feet 2 inches.
I weigh more than I should, but its my own fault... stupid honey buns.
I have 2 mothers and 2 fathers. I'm adopted.
I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters from my birth parents and none from my adoptive family.
I now attend Georgia Southern University.
I'm far too easily pressured into thinking things were all my idea.
I'm strong willed and clumsy.
I love love.
I love getting dressed up and going out almost as much as I love staying in and watching old movies.
I love to read but I'm far too easily distracted to ever finish a book in a timely manner.
I love Jesus with all my heart and somewhere, deep down, I want to honor and obey Him.
I love music. Its part of me. Ingrained in my soul.
I love photography. It calms me to be able to capture moments with the sound of a shutter.
I love the sound of laughter.
I love nature, grass and wind and water and trees and sun and stars.
I think too much.
I over analyze everything.
I miss things easily.
I forget things easily.
I'm never on time. I'm either ridiculously early or far too late.
I love to travel. I love airports and stepping outside of them to a place I've never been.
I love road trips.
I hate driving.
I love colors and wish I could draw and paint.
I always find something to like about everyone, I build a person up as much as possible.
I love sleep except for when the moon is out.
I always try to compliment something about a persons appearance. Everyone deserves to feel good.
I have to force myself to tell the truth sometimes.
I constantly find myself in awkward situations that I've caused myself.
I was engaged once.
I love children.
I love mentoring high school aged girls when I'm in the right state of mind to do so.
I love my dog Lucy. Shes half jack russel half toy poodle.
I'm always waiting on something.
I'm irresponsible.
I talk too much.
I talk too loudly.
I make friends easily.
I like to write, but I never write anything good.
I love the Little Mermaid.
I love the Shins and MCS.
I like country music.
I want to be a counselor, maybe one day a psychiatrist.
I have regrets.
I like nice things.
I like owls.
I have far too many clothes.
I change the way I act in different situations.
I dont like that.

Where are we? What the hell is going on? The dust has only just began to form crop circles in the carpet. sinking feeling.

I just got here and I'm acting like a freak. This is not who I am. I need to decide who I really am and chill out. I'm getting on MY nerves.

Something old, Something new

Hrm, I havent written in forever. Hrm, Where to begin. When sooo much is changing its hard to find a place to begin.

I am so ready to move away from Chattanooga. At the age of 20, I've really begin to travel all around the east coast and even as far as Nicaragua. Seeing all the different people and places has really made me realized how blessed I am to have had the opportunity to grow up in the south, specifically chattanooga, but change is good and I'm ready to make it.

This is my one last chance to really get out on my own and start fresh in an environment I dont know at all but feel so comfortable in. I love statesboro, ga. I love savannah and the east coast of Georgia. Georgia Southern is the most awesome school I've visited so far and I cant wait to attend. Its so close! I begin summer classes online while i finish up some classes at dalton in 5 weeks! In five weeks I will officially be a student at Georgia Southern University!!! I'm so psyched!

I met my birth parents. I havent really talked about that much. Mostly because it wasnt a big deal at all. I felt like I had known them all my life. Which technically I have. haha They are amazing and I felt instantly connected to them the moment I heard their voices and saw their faces. I have siblings now. Quite a few actually. I'm the oldest of 5. :) One sister from my mother and three (two brothers and a sister) from my father. Its amazing what God can do when youre only abiding to His rules.

God, Jesus, Savior... I am trying so hard to live my life as I believe Jesus Christ wants me to. Why is it so hard for us to overcome sin nature? Why cant I just turn off my emotions and go only on the fact of what the word says to be true? Its so hard being 20 years old. When youre young, you can act as if you dont know, or you can blame it on hormones, or emotions, or whatever really. But I'm 20. I know better. haha I know what the Word says and yet sometimes I still deliberately disobey. ahh. I annoy myself. I cant imagine how annoyed God gets with me.

and money. ohhhh money.
Why must you always bother me so? money. I really hate you. I wish you never existed. I have so many trips that I'm taking this summer, Its going to be crazy. I think I'll write a letter. A letter to everyone letting them know what I'm up to this summer and ask for prayer and direction as I move forward with all this! Its crazy!

Hey. pray for me. Thats all for now. I should be studying.

Beth

Rewards.

Who knew that working as the hands and feet of Jesus could be so visibly rewarding? I love Nicaragua.

here.

Its simple really.

plans.

My life is becoming so planned out that I feel like I need to just pick up and leave. Thingsare coming along too... well.. planned, forced, rushed I feel like.

The month of March:

12-14: GSU
18: YL banquet
24-28: DC

The month of April:

1-4: camping
29-30: photography on the beach

The month of May:

1-2: still beach
3-7: finals
9-17: missions trip
18-31: summer classes

The month of June:

1-16: still summer classes
19-20: Birthday weekend
21-24: vegas
25-30: YL camp

The month of July:

1-4: still YL camp
9-16: missions camp
17-19: GSU
25-31: family vacation

The month of August:

16. school begins again. ://

My life is far too planned this year. I never used to make plans. I'm suffocating in my own doings. but in the words of my friend Julia, I like being there.

Clap Your Hands.

Today I'm feelin a real sharky vibe. Today I have so much to say and I doubt anything will make it out onto the page the way I want it to. Here goes.

I got off work at 4:45 today instead of the usual 6pm. I was exhausted. I'd had Younglife Leadership the night before and gotten home pretty late on top of staying up even later because I plan my life best at 2 am. Anyways, as soon as I sat down on my bed after work to check my emails I fell asleep. I just woke at 12:30. That's over 7 hours of sleep that isn't going to count for anything seeing as I wont be able to sleep for the rest of the night now.
I'm living the life. I'm so happy. I have everything I've ever needed. Yet on occasion that "want" kicks in. The funny thing is that I want that "want" to go away. I want to be sufficient with just me and Christ. But sometimes I just feel this want.
I told him that I didn't need him and It's true. I don't need him in my life. He's probably the last thing I need right now, I'm probably the last thing he needs right now. For some reason I want him though.
I don't need to transfer away from Chattanooga. UTC has my major and I'm sure with my job, I could work enough hours to live on my own if and when I had no home in Chattanooga anymore. But I want to. I want to submerge myself into something new, forcing me out of everything I've come to know so well.
I don't need anything. I have more than enough clothes to share with a small country. I have more shoes than would be needed for my entire college. I have enough purses to never wear the same one again. I have paintings and pictures and books. I have it all. I am what you consider the "American Dream." I have blonde hair and green/blue eyes. I have tons of friends and good ones at that.

Yet here I am, wanting.

Why? Why do I want? Of course, it is true to our human nature to "want" But do we really understand the consequences of our actions? How we are consuming the only Earth God has given us and how our actions as Christians prove to other nations that we are a material based, no obsessed culture?
I just want to want God. I don't want to want a man, or things, or a lifestyle other than one that leads others to the love and forgiveness of Christ.

Wow, I didn't think this was the direction this blog would be going. But as I sit in my room surrounded by all my "things" I cant help but think of the girls my age in Nicaragua and even in America that do without for the sake of their family or for the simple reason they need to thrive on the little money they make. Did you know that for the ecological footprint and over all average salary that America makes, we as a nation have the most people going hungry? I'm speaking of the countries among our rank and status economically.
Thousands of people going hungry. Yet we sit here lazy and full to the brim, turning the other cheek to people in need. I don't believe that is what Jesus meant by "Turn the other cheek."

Now, I'm not saying throw everything away or give all you own to the poor! But I think there comes a time when enough is enough. Look around you. What do you see? Do you need everything that surrounds you?

I think the point I'm trying to make is to simply be willing to give. Give of your time, your money, and your things; because giving makes me happy. Its my love language. When I give and don't expect to receive, God always blesses me beyond belief.

If your happy and you know it clap your hands.

That's what I get for working in childcare all my life. Relating life lessons to children's songs. haha


I'm happy. Happier than I've ever been in my entire life. I want to purge this want from my system. I don't want to want anything anymore. That's obviously not going to happen over night. That's like saying, "I will never be hungry again, I give up food." That's impossible, but I'm going to try hard to start giving of my time and things much more freely as God shows me His plan.
I'm going to start my giving up 25 days of my precious summer to do His work in the mission field this coming summer. I'm more than excited. I'm literally counting down the days. I hope that if you're reading this you'll begin to see your life from a different perspective as well. Maybe you could start by giving of your time, in prayer for how God will use me this summer at the various locations around America that He has seen fit to send me.

I don't really know why you people read my blog. It's really not interesting at all and this one is so jumbled that I'm not sure if it will even be read like I intended. but if you feel lead drop me a facebook message or a text just letting me know you re praying. It would most likely mean the world to me, probably.

okay this is enough for now.
byebye.
beth.