Words.

I've been reading a lot lately. Novels, biographies, autobiographies. Some were for school but a few just for the fun of it. I haven't been out to the plaza much and I've really kept to myself. I'm going through that yearly thing where I stick to myself trying to re-invent who I am. I really think I've lost it this time though. Its a weird frame of mind to be in. Wondering why people don't view the world like you do. I see everything in literary talk, I call it. I see the art and beauty in every word and motion, while most people my age are concentrated on the next bar to hit or the next adrenalin rush. I just want to be. I want to watch, digest, and write what I see, peoples reactions to life as I'm living it, taking in one scene at a time.
But then again, I've already noted that life doesn't have "scenes," its more just chapters.

I've had so many chapters.
There was the High School chapter.
The one where I began my addiction to attention. There were silly crushes and rumors, proms and parties.

There was my Home Life chapter.
The one where I tried to rush growing up. The one that speaks of engagement rings, wedding dresses, and children. There were parades, picnics, house hunting and home cooked meals.

Then there was my Rebellion chapter.
This was the one where I tripped. I freaked out. The wedding planning was too much the dress in my closet was a constant reminder about how I was marrying a life style I wanted not a person I really wanted. This was the chapter where I became someone I NEVER want to know again. The person that lied, cheated, and talked her way into and out of anything and everything, a person with no responsibility. There were parties, sketchness is really the only way to put it. I was incredibly scetchy.

Now there is the chapter I like to call the "Reconstruction era" -yeah, like the civil war. I'm stuck somewhere between this chapter and the next.
I've realized my actions have consequences and I'm trying to shape up. I did some pretty immature things. I regret most of the things I did during the Rebellion chapter. I was so immature. People said I would regret it, but you never actually take peoples advice until you do it... I feel the need to prove to everyone that I am who I say I am and I'm not doing a good job.

I'm so emotional these days. I think that's the problem. I shut out emotions for so long so that I could live anyway I wanted without feeling the Holy Spirit convicting me. Now that I've let the convictions in, I've ushered in a whole new era of emotion based craziness that I don't know how to handle.

The next will be Responsibility chapter.
This will be the one where I graduate from Georgia Southern University, continue on to get my masters and do what I've planned. I'll do what I've always dreamed of and move on from my past.

I was talking to a friend over dinner last night and he said to me something about how he lives for tomorrow. I said I want to live for today, but thats not really true either. I really live in the past. I live to make mends and prove to everyone that I am not who I was then. I live now, in this day, for yesterday.

And that is my problem. I live for the past instead of letting it go and living for what I want in the future. Maybe I'm screwing myself over by living like this making it impossible for me to ever get what I want in the future?! I'm having a small epiphany here.

I need to live for the future. What I need to do is pop a pill shut up and chill out, but what I want to do is write it all out.